The Eve before Christmas Eve
I have always wondered about God. Is there a God? Is there a true person, Jesus Christ? If there is, I imagine that the celebration of his birthday in the Heavens is a true joy to behold. I truly hope that he does exist, so that my Angel will always have the joy of Christmas.
It was an exceptionally good Christmas, but bittersweet now, knowing that it was our last Christmas as a complete family.
I no longer make Christmas cookies for Santa. I no longer leave carrots out for the reindeer. I no longer mail letters to Santa. For many parents, these activities end when their child reaches puberty or an age close to that, but that was taken from me without any type of notice. Am I angry or jealous? Yes, most definitely. I do not begrudge anyone this joyous time, but I am ... Well, I no longer have that.
I reflect on Christmas. I still love the lights and the friendship. But I hurt inside. In the depths of my soul, where the deepest part of me has been ripped apart. I still have my Heather. She however has a new life of her own, and for the most part, I am no longer a part of that. Too much pain in our world. I love her. I always will. Unconditionally. She is a part of me, and I am so grateful to have brought her into this world. Someday, I hope she is able to forgive me.
To those of you who have never lost a child, you will never understand the pain that Angel mothers go through daily, let alone, the pain that we go through during any holiday. I pray that you never go through this pain. I would not wish this pain upon my worst enemy. But remember, we are out there among you. We have the smiles planted on our faces. We go through the motions. But always, our souls are ripped apart.